I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My vagina just clenched in fear
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
