Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
where are you?
Hypothermia
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
