i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
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