Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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