remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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