Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Welp...herpes.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
