I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
