go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
