so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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