FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Randomize
