swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
