I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
