i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
