I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
