life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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