Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
