it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
she pinky promised me she was 18
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
