I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
