then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
