Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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