My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
