It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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