it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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