I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
