Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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