im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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