in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
