so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
