Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
