do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
MIDGETS
????
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
