Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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