i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
