My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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