ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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