I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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