call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
