i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
