Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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