i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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