i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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