Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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