i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
