Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
