grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
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