I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
