I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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