I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
