do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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