I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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