i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
