Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
