hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
